No, darling. I will not share it. Not yet. Not ever.
The list is mine to bear, to adore, to hold, to keep, to cherish.
I adore you.

I miss this page, my untarnished companion; but I have drifted away from it. I no longer need to hide behind my careless string of letters. I wear them like my name and give them all to you. The many nights I walked the streets of Cairo, roaming around, floating amidst them ghosts… those cold, cold ghosts; only to come back home and rant in my head with my imaginary friends. The white rabbit, the dark prince, the nonexistent female… all of them beings of my own insane creation… I don’t need them anymore. Adios dear friends. I have found the reason why I’ve been writing for the past two years.
I have you to rant to, to bore with my silly stories, to calm me down, to straighten my head, to fill my joy bar, to strengthen my faith in God, to make me smile pointlessly, to jumpstart my heart.

Dear God… Thank you.

Patience and faith. I believe.

I love the way you lift my guilt off my shoulders. I love the way you make me know that it’s OK not to be perfect. I love the way you’ve tamed my impenetrable ego. I can not wait to ask you to dance with me in public. The way you move me effortlessly, like a puppet master whose puppet obeys stringlessly. Baby, I would create my own strings for you; hook ‘em up to my limbs and ask you to move me.
I love you that much.

Ouch… a bit freakish, huh.

Patience is hard when you’ve found what you’re looking for. I can not wait for us to share the same dream, to stare through the same windshield. I can not wait to share the same bed with you.

I love the way you tenkosheeny with your cruel jokes. :P
Darling my list is too strange; I don’t think you would understand. It’s written in a language that I can not comprehend. I love you for reasons beyond my understanding. You’ve touched the right spots in me. You know me. I know you. Like we were two branches sticking out of the same tree, entangled around one another in a past life.
I can read you better than I do my soul… ya roo7y.

Surprisingly, sometimes I miss my dark side. I always believed that my dark side has a lot of potential, that I would have excelled doing dark magic curses, in crime, in writing a new religion that would deceive the common masses into the delusion of the millennium.
There’s a crazy side to me that has always been waiting to be expressed to the world.

I love the way that you’ve managed to go beyond my bullshit, my words, my evil, my good… and read and love me for who I am, for who I want to be.

الحمدلله

They say that fear is only the emotional response to tangible and realistic nature. But then again, why do we fear the future? Why do we fear the unseen? Why do we need everything to be around us, in our scope of vision, to be careful? Tangibility is wrongly defined, wrongly expressed, I think.
The way we perceive time… We are in fact always late, aren’t we? And it’s only when we’ve missed out on things that we realize that we’re aging. Everything has a price to pay, even wisdom.
Perception, on the other hand… now that’s something else. The eyes see the things they want to see. You can’t control them. You can’t tame them; no matter how powerful your sight is and no matter how expensive your Armani glasses are. At the end, sight is the result of the reflection of light off objects that convert to brain waves; and like the waves of the sea that you adore, you’ve short fused my brain completely.

Like spite, waiting is timeless.
I keep needing to click a magic button or fall into a yoga trance that transfers me a couple of weeks ahead, a couple of months ahead… a year ahead exactly. I don’t wanna see how it’ll be. I just want to be there. I keep telling myself that there’s the sweet waiting, the missing… but it’s not doing it for me anymore. I-DON’T-WANT-IT.
I would rather throw my watch and calendar from the window and sleep for a year. Wake me up on our wedding day, my darling. Wake me up when I’m allowed to hold you and to want you.
I hate waiting up in the morning and checking an inbox for an email. I hate seeing you as a number and no being able to see your smile when I ring you up. I hate missing your face. I hate not being able to make that date happen. I hate being that far… I hate not being rich enough to fly over to you every day to take you out.

I hate how unshrinkable you are.

I hate how I can’t just promise your folks that I will take care of you w khalas. Done deal!
I hate how shy I am in public; how I can’t just jump on stage at a play, grab the mic, and tell the audience that I love you.
You know me… I’m shy at sea, a bad swimmer. Leave me in the middle of the open water and I would probably panic and drown. My mind refuses to float, to relax my muscles and let loose. I want it to be over.
How dare you all ask me to wait?
How fucking dare you?!

I don’t want to wait. I don’t wanna get to know you better. I don’t wanna go through all the formalities. If it was up to me, I would marry you today… This is the ME that you’ve created.
But it’s not up to me

I am indeed… impatient.
Why can’t I just shrink you? Why am I not allowed to be that selfish?

Why are you doing this to me?

1. Crying while reading Quran cleanses the soul. الحمدلله Reading Quran when I’m happy is spectacular.
2. I hardly ever dream, but one of my recurring ones always, always ends with me losing a canine tooth. I happen to be very conscious about my “fangs”.
3. I often wish that I could get me a shotgun and shoot everybody at work.
4. I love the mixed smell of perfume and cigarette smoke.
5. Every time I have a dream, I keep telling myself that it ain’t true, that reality can not be that pretty.
6. I was once caught stealing a Ninja Turtles Badge when I was 8. The store clerk let it slide. I also stole money from my dad and from my brother growing up. I could never tell them that I did so now that I’m a man. I am too proud to admit my teenage insanity. I’ve always been good at stealing… the chilly rush sparked the evil maniac who grew within… But I’ve always, always been a bad liar. My voice changes and my eyes black out. My giveaways stopped me from becoming a mass murderer probably.

7. I truly believe that if I focus on evil, I could be rich in no time… and probably conquer the world.
8. I have a weird bump on my head that I only discovered in January 2007 after I shaved my head off during 7ajj.
9. I fear the future.
10. I still consider Mortal Kombat fatalities to be the most genius innovations ever introduced to the video game world.
11. I was very shy as a kid. I still am I think; but I think that I’ve developed a sick sense of humor over the years that not a lot of people get just to get myself out of awkward situations.
12. I once mailed an audition tape to a record label in Canada back in 1998. They said that they liked my material and that I should drop in whenever. I never replied.
13. I played the role of Sebastian in a school play of The Twelfth Night when I was 13.
14. I never listen to others when it comes to fashion, colors, girls, and words. Let it free me or kill me, but at least I’ll be original.
15. I am a very proud human being, proudly!
16. Growing up, I never imagined that I would ever write for fun.
17. I once attended a Christian Opera at the Cairo Opera House. I did not enjoy it, but alas it was a fun experience.
18. I took up smoking for spite.
19. I have been on the ledge… never actually did it, obviously.
20. Contrary to what most of my very few readers, my beloved strangers, believe, I am not a suicidal person. I just love the fucking mood; the haunting, the stench of a bittering soul, the mesmerizing sensation of guilt and self involvement… they rock my fingers and shake me back to reality.
21. I tend to be misread and I do not make an effort to change people’s belief in me. I am learning however that one can not cruise through life alone.
22. I adore the taste of blood. If I was to be possessed with a supernatural curse, I would go for vampirism all the way.
23. I am very, very aware of rights and wrongs and I never create excuses. I do tend to bend their definitions every once in a while.
24. If life was a fantasy, I’d probably be an evil wizard who sits alone in his ivory tower creating potions and casting evil spells and curses over the common civilians to keep them at my command.
25. Most of the time, I hate my integrity.