It’s like driving a car in the middle of a storm, and even though you can’t see it, you know you’re gonna hit something. You know for sure that you should probably stop the car and hide from the pouring skies and the blinding light.

I’ve never been here before. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a high mountain. Two years ago, I wrote about a headache that struck me around September. It stayed with me for over six months. It begins with my left ear then it slides on to cover my neck, the back of my head, my nape. It’s back now to haunt me… Like I needed it. Not now please… do not raise my blood pressure. I need to be calm for whatever I’m about to endure. I need my physical strength.

I’m sliding downhill. On the professional level, I’m fucked… but that I can rectify; that I can change. On the personal level… I’m scared. I’ve never felt this weak before. I always assumed that I was unbreakable. I hardly ever get sick. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. Come to think of it, I’ve never been in a relationship before. The truth is… I’ve always had a standard dream for the woman whom I want to spend the rest of my life with… but then…

Standard and Stranded… hmm!

You know when it hits you? You know when you realize that it ain’t exactly like shopping. Don’t we all wish that we could input whatever characteristics we want in a person into a simulating software that would produce that person instantly?

But then again, we’re all foolish. That doesn’t happen. As Homo Sapiens, we’ve grown apart so much. One can only hope for a person for whom you’d straight away realize that, I know I can compromise no matter what. Because at the end of the day, nobody’s perfect. I know I’m far away from being perfect even though my dark prince keeps telling me otherwise. Because eventually, it’s not just about love. It’s about life. It’s about wanting to merge with that person’s soul. It’s about wanting them to be happy, to be the cause of their happiness. You say that you’re a cause of my disappointment? Ask my readers, ask my friends. Have I ever been this happy? All my readers think that I’m suicidal. I believe some reader once offered to help me therapeutically. If anything… you, being you… Oh sweetheart, I’ve never been happier… and I’ve never ever appeared to the rest of the world to be all fruitcaky and mushy… but I don’t care.

Would they understand if I did this or if I said that? Would they tolerate it?
I know I have a lot to learn. I am brand new at this.

Why am I writing this? Why is this one of those blah nights? With the hardening headache, the fear, the anger at myself, the I can’t stand to look at myself, the fear… the crumbling sensation of fear, the longing for her… I can’t help but stare aimlessly at the screen and type my heart out.

I should have kissed her hand. I should have cherished those moments, all of them. I never realized the illusion of abundance of time until she left me at the airport. I pushed my luggage cart back outside the gates, wishing that she’d be there, but she wasn’t. I am new at this… all I know is how I feel. I know how to say it.

Baby, I told you… with you, I am learning how to express my feelings. I am a shy and frequent self-judger.
I also told you to bear with me… You said you would. Have you borne too much? Have you experienced too much of my flaws? Were my soul and my mind that ugly in person?

I feel shattered. The truth is, sweetheart, in the midst of us talking about disappointment, I was only disappointed of myself…

I hated to see that gentleman picture you had of me get crumbled down the walls of my fort.

And it saddens me that… khalas… Strike Three. I’m Out.

More than ever, I wish I had a time machine. I don’t have enough . I joined commerce, majored in accounting (the most boring of all)… should have joined Science. Kan zamany khlest. :P

I have learned more about myself being with you than I have in a lifetime. I never regretted anything in my life el 7amdulellah; maybe a thing or two in the past, but never wished to change them cos it’s only in the tragedies and disappointments that we get shaped into who we are right now.

I fear…

It scares me that now that I know that it could be over, that I don’t mind not having children for seven years, that I don’t mind karaoke, that I don’t mind many things… and I’m fine with all of that. Because, sweetheart… I miss your smile. Ya Allah… I so do. The thought of me not seeing it again is killing me.

I am also new with owning a lap top. Blogging in the living room, surrounded by family members… is risky… especially when your sight gets tainted with wet drops of fear…

Fear that I won’t be able to duet with you on a karaoke song; that I won’t sing to you on our wedding night, that I won’t ask you to dance with everybody watching. Fuck the flowers… the wedding full blown kiss was my surprise…

But then again we both hate surprises don’t we love?

I feel confident when I’m with you. I feel unbreakable.

I hate you seeing me this weak.

Let me be your reason like you are mine.

I feel the climax of fragility climbing under my skin now.

I feel the skies falling, pouring cats and dogs… raining on my mind… and I feel the lightening shaking my soul. This storm is scary… I know, sweetheart. I’ll protect you.

What if… what if you keep driving through the storm, then you realize that the sky’s clearing out, that the storm’s over… that you’ve reached your destination safe and sound?

What if all it takes is a little faith, a little strength… the willingness to strive for something stunning?

Ya 7abebty…

Ya Rab..