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    Яαgιи Яαvєи
    Cairo, Egypt
    Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention.
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Tapping at my chamber door



In 2008, I'll Get Me A Shotgun


I will also:
1.
Yield
2. Get closer to
God
3.
Job hunt some more.
4. Get closer to my
family.
5. Learn a new language.
6.
Finish at least one screenplay.
7.
Lose the extra weight.
8. Get a
driver's license. I will not buy a car.
9. I will
rule my world.
10. I will have my
revenge.

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On Job Evaluation

Every other week, I find an email in my work email inbox titled Branch Meeting or Department Meeting. An email is also known as LONO where I work. They call it lono because we use Lotus Notes software. They call it lono because when they had it installed, they didn't know that that thing we send using it is in fact an email. Every once in a while somebody gets to email some dude who works at one of a corresponding banks abroad and gets to say 'in reference to the lono below'. Of course, the reply is usually hysterical.

They should cut us off globalization. We only manage to embarrass ourselves, don't we?

So back to the main issue… Meetings are usually clichéd everywhere. Same people, same attitudes, same faces, different places.

There's always the key speaker, usually the head of the place, the branch manager in my case. Also usually is the person who knows least about the job. She's been there far too long, she's started to not give a shit around the time I was born, but doesn't want people to realize that fact. During department meetings, she usually sits there and gets to listen to people talk about their work. The reason she does that is because she wants to try to actually know a bit about what's going on right before the big crash.

It never is fun, the meeting. We get to hear the same bullshit about accountability, responsibility, and team spirit… the same load of BS a five year old can quote from a book titled Basic Principles of Management. Right after a team spirit speech is well said, another one is laid out about competition, personal appraisal, and how the profit sharing scheme has changed to only reward the efficient and demote the unqualified. Our nature, as fellow incompetent Egyptians makes everyone hate the new scheme. In the end, they promote whoever been there the longest. It's like an endurance quest basically.

Same bullshit, different place.

There's also the ass kisser. Usually a he if the manager's a dude. A she can kiss both asses no problem.

It's not because women are malicious, but more due to the vulnerability and fragility of management who always want to be praised about the nothingness they tend to add. Ass kissing should be a profession, a craft… it's not easy to kiss ass. You gotta know the right time and the right words. Ass kissers usually don't care much about his/her colleagues. They know that this is what they need to do in order to get places.
They usually do.

Ass kissing doesn't always stop at top management. It continues along the chain of potential managers. You never know who's gonna be evaluation you next year. That's probably their moto.

'I love to see you work', she said.

Right next to the Ass-Kisser usually sits the Silent Rebel. Usually a he… sits there quietly, observing. Numb smiles when he's spotted by top management. He usually has four-seven friends in the whole branch at most. He meets clients with a big Fuck You on his forehead that only his close colleagues can see behind a big fake smile that says You Can't Hold Anything Against Me.

I love to watch them work.

Then comes the house wife… Always a she. She's proof that women belong at home and that the only profession they're suited for is parenting; IF THAT. She can't wait for the next paycheck. She usually possesses the least product knowledge among the herd. Her contributions are usually dramatically insignificant. Her sick leaves are BEYOND whatever. She's usually the first to leave and if she stays ten minutes after five, Drama becomes her middle name. They should pay her kind to not show up.

There's also the paranoid-nervous-wreck. He's shaken by anything, but usually the most loved… or felt sorry for; makes you wonder. He's been there far too long, yet he still doesn't know how to hold his worries in. Makes you wonder if he's on too much caffeine or if he's an ex-Aerosmith who's just shot-up one too many times. He's proof that humans of his status, if induced with enough Ecstasy, can fly. He's usually the one who looks like he's about to blow himself up.

Oh and there's me… the guy who blogs about it all.

This is my very personal evaluation.


If only I could LONO it to top management.

Labels:

I guess these meetings are bullshit no matter where you work!
I love it!
I am always the one in the corner singing to myself trying to drown out the stupidity and bullshit...

Wow! Now I can't wait to get out there and start working! (fake enthusiasm, you didn't blog about this type lol)

Nora - Unfortunately, I can't sing in our meetings. It'd be a small room. Twelve people. I'd probably be pointed out. :P

Jannah - Yup.. that one I forgot.
It still is fun to watch different people do their different things. Makes you feel of value if you know what i mean. So don't worry about joining the workforce. It has its moments. ;)

LONO... hilarious in a sad sort of way.

I love how Egyptians stick to their guns no matter what. If Bill Gates walked up to them and tried to "update" the term to email... they would ever-so-smugly correct him and say "It's called Lono not email".

Can't help but admire 'em Gyppos!

oh we're one wild bunch :)

Greetings, Яαgιи Яαvєи!

I have just 'found' you here on the web, and I have to say, it's been an enjoyable time spent indeed!

"Lono" - that's so awesome - damn the man whenever possible, whether it be accidental or not, I say! :P

It's so ... 'cute', it makes ME want to begin referring to email as "lonos". "Don't be buggin' me on the phone - send me a lono, man!"

Re:
"There's also the paranoid-nervous-wreck. He's shaken by anything, but usually the most loved… or felt sorry for; makes you wonder. He's been there far too long, yet he still doesn't know how to hold his worries in. Makes you wonder if he's on too much caffeine or if he's an ex-Aerosmith who's just shot-up one too many times. He's proof that humans of his status, if induced with enough Ecstasy, can fly. He's usually the one who looks like he's about to blow himself up."

CLASSIC! ;) Reminds me of myself, minus Aerosmith/Steve Tyler's drug abuse past bit (hahah)! I didn't even drink much caffeine; a hot chocolate every once in awhile. Still, the description is to a 'T'! :P I just happened to work for TOO MANY LAWYERS (AAAAAUGH!!) In the end (after 6 years, the first 5 wonderful(!!) - merging with larger firms bedamned!), it was my lack of assertiveness (I was too darn nice; the proverbial 'people-pleaser'!), constant and extremely high levels of empathy, and resultant degrading of my already 'iffy' mental health ;)

So now I'm trying to relax after those 6 years of intense 'workaholism', regrouping ME (which thankfully and so gratefully I can do, with the support of a wonderful, wonderful partner!), and then once I'm ... 'good to go', I'll decide... well, where the heck TO go! :lol: Definitely a SMALL boutique-type firm again, IF it's law. I may have had more than a lifetime's worth of my 'fill' of lawyers... ;) Great contacts, though, and 'my' lawyers were 'big' on integrity and high-quality service, so that was humbling. THEY gave lawyering a -good- name!

Anywho, your templates and designs are so phenomenally and ethereally beautiful - thank you for sharing them with the world :) Your site here is simply elegant and gorgeous beyond words... ;)

That country-tracking widget / plugin / code-thing in your left sidebar is so fantastic! I haven't seen that anywhere... [not that I've been around the blogosphere much or for very long, even! Just my 'two cents' ;) ]

Thanks again! :)

Peace and Om-niscience! :lol:

~Ank

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